Recognising when a child is being asked to keep unsafe secrets, whether by peers or adults, and how manipulation tactics work both online and offline.
Unsafe Secrets is information a child is told to keep hidden that makes them feel worried, scared, or uncomfortable, often used by abusers to conceal harmful behaviour.
An unsafe secret is one that makes a child feel worried, frightened, or uncomfortable. Abusers — both online and offline — often use secrecy as a tool to maintain control over a child. Teaching children the difference between a happy surprise and an unsafe secret is one of the most important protective measures a parent or carer can take.
Manipulators build trust with a child and then gradually introduce secrecy. They may start with small secrets ('this is just between us') and escalate over time. Online, this can happen through private messages and hidden apps. Offline, it may involve gifts, special treatment, or threats. The child is made to feel that telling someone would result in punishment, loss, or harm.
In your child's behaviour
On their device
Teach the difference between safe surprises and unsafe secrets
Explain that a surprise (like a birthday present) is something that will eventually be shared and makes everyone happy. An unsafe secret is something that makes them feel worried or scared. If anyone asks them to keep an unsafe secret, they should always tell a trusted adult.
Establish a family rule that there are no secrets from parents
Make it clear that no adult or older child should ever ask them to keep a secret from their parents. Reinforce that they will never be in trouble for telling you something, even if someone has told them otherwise.
Practise saying no and seeking help
Role-play scenarios where your child practises saying 'I don't keep secrets from my mum/dad' and then telling a trusted adult. This builds confidence so they can act if the situation arises in real life.
In immediate danger: call 999. For non-emergency police matters, call 101.
Concerned about a child but it's not an emergency? NSPCC helpline 0808 800 5000. Childline for young people 0800 1111.
This is practical educational content to support families. For case-specific concerns about a child's safety, contact the NSPCC helpline on 0808 800 5000 or your local safeguarding team.
Myth: Some parents assume 'unsafe secrets' mainly refers to sexual abuse, so if a secret their child is asked to keep is about something else, such as hiding money, covering up a small injury, or not mentioning who bought them something, it doesn't need to be treated as seriously.
Fact: An unsafe secret is any secret that leaves a child feeling worried, frightened, or uncomfortable, whatever form of pressure or harm sits behind it, from financial or emotional manipulation to physical harm, so it is how the secret makes the child feel that matters, not which category it falls into.
Myth: Some parents think that if their child generally seems happy, confident, and is behaving normally, they can't currently be under pressure to keep an unsafe secret.
Fact: People who manipulate children typically build trust gradually and keep any change in behaviour small at first, so a child can still seem largely like themselves while being coerced into secrecy, which is why it helps to keep talking openly about secrets and surprises rather than waiting for obvious signs of distress before raising it.
Myth: Some parents think the best way to get a worried child to open up about a secret is to promise upfront, 'I won't tell anyone else, whatever it is,' so the child feels safe enough to talk.
Fact: NSPCC safeguarding guidance advises against promising a child complete confidentiality, because you may need to share what they tell you with someone else who can help protect them; the better approach is to explain honestly that you might need to tell another trusted adult to keep them safe, while reassuring them you will not share it with people who do not need to know.
Keep reinforcing the difference between a happy surprise and a secret that makes them feel worried, using everyday examples they will recognise, such as a surprise treat compared with being told not to mention a bump or an accident. Remind them often that they will never be in trouble for telling you something, however it was described to them.
Talk through specific scenarios they may meet at this age, such as an older child, a family friend, or someone from an online game or chat asking them to keep something between just the two of them. Reinforce that gifts, money, or special treatment that comes with a request for secrecy is a warning sign, not a kindness, and should always be mentioned to you.
As children gain more independence and their own devices or accounts, talk through how manipulation can build gradually online, starting with small requests for secrecy that escalate over time. Agree that they can come to you, or another named trusted adult, about anything, including something that started with them agreeing to keep a secret, without fear of losing their device or being blamed.
Recognise that teenagers may feel pressure to handle a worrying secret themselves to seem grown-up, or may be manipulated using threats about sharing private information or images if they tell anyone. Make clear that coercion, blackmail, or threats to reveal something are never a reason to stay silent, and that asking for help does not mean losing trust, privacy, or support.
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